Wednesday, November 16, 2011

As If It Were All A Dream

Because of a generous gift given to us by some friends, Matt and I were able to take a little trip to Victoria a couple weekends ago.  It was a great getaway and gave us time to reflect and discuss how we are doing and healing.

While talking with Matt I was surprised to hear that we both are emotionally in the same place.  It feels like it was all a dream, almost like I wasn't just pregnant for 9 months, almost like I never held our beautiful girl in my arms.  It's an odd feeling.  Not one either of us really enjoy.  We don't want the constant pain but are having a hard time accepting that many days there isn't any pain.  We aren't forgetting our little Aimee, by no means will we ever forget her!  We have reminders of her all over the house, the rose bush out front, the hydrangea in the back, Lucy's 'Aimee bear' that a friend gave her to help her through,  all of Aimee's stuff, her hat, book, necklace and so many sympathy cards still sitting on my dresser without a place to be and every time we see the letter 'A', it, of course, is for Aimee.   All of these are little reminders of our girl and the joy she brought us for such a short time.  But none of these things are her, none of these things wake me up in the middle of the night needing to eat or have a diaper change.  None of these things are learning to sit up or smile or giggle at me.  How do I learn to be ok with letting go?

Because I know she is in God's hands.  I know that, even though I don't like what happened, He is in control.  For some reason He allowed us to have Aimee.  There is a reason. Maybe it was to bring Matt and I even closer together through difficult times.  Maybe it is to teach us to enjoy the little life God has allowed us to raise even more than we already do.  Maybe it is to help others who are going through similar situations.  Maybe it is to teach us that our lives are not our own, no matter how hard we try to hang on to them and do what we think best for ourselves, we are NOT in control of all that happens to us.  Maybe it is to remind us that God is our Heavenly Father who IS in control and loves us so much.  One day we will get to be with our Aimee again and hold her in our arms.  That, we know to be true and the thought of it helps us to accept this, the hardest valley we have ever been asked to cross.

If you have ever been in such a time as this, please comment and let us know how you handled or are handling it.  It would help us to know how others experience loss and grief.

1 comment:

  1. Hi, this is Tiffany, Nancy's daughter. I just learned of your blog today via your news about your expecting a new bundle in Feb. I read this entry 1st and my heart goes out to you. You are not alone in your grief. We have lost a couple of pregnancies and had 2 foster children leave who were supposed to be with us forever but the system failed them. One of our foster children we had for 15 months which included 2 birthdays. He came to us just before his 3rd birthday and left when he was 4 and a half. His leaving ripped out our hearts. We watched him drive away with his bio mom and we all sat and cried. This was in Feb 2009. Just the other day, I came across his bio mom,'s email and I spent the day in tears. I texted my mom and said that I had just come to a place where my thoughts were not always on him ALL day and then I get a strong reminder of him and those thoughts circle Atkins him constantly, again. It hurts so much and life has to go on but those reminders of him and my love for him will NEVER waiver and that's OK because I am human. I would love to say that over time it hurts less but as of right bow, I can't and I am sorry for that.