Monday, March 5, 2012

"Mommy, Where's Baby Aimee?"

The question came unexpectedly on a drive home from making Christmas cookies at Lucy's Aunt Noonie's house. (Yes, it has been awhile since I have written).  So shocked by the question I asked her what she said to be sure I heard her correctly.

With more emphasis this time, "Mommy, where is your baby Aimee?"

I thought hard about what my response would and could and should be.  Lucy knows it, "she's in heaven with Jesus."  We had talked about it often, both before Aimee was born, to prepare her for when we came home without a baby, and in the many talks since we have been home.  She often tells me how she wants to go to heaven to see baby Aimee and Jesus.  "Not until it's your turn."  I tell her.  "Let's not rush it!" This time it was as if she was asking for more, as if she was really trying to understand why Aimee didn't come home with us.  So, we talked as best we could in the car about her 'ouchie' heart and then we were on to something else, probably deer or the bicyclists wearing their helmets, what "good boys" they are or something like that.

I have thought about this intercourse quite often since last December.  I have wondered how a child understands heaven and life after death.  The truth is they really can't.  They take our word for it.  She trusts me when I say that it is where Aimee went but she can't understand why we can't just go visit her there like we visit our friends and family.

That got me thinking... how much do we, as adults, understand heaven or life after death?  We can learn a lot about it from God's Word but do we really understand it?  Probably not.  It is part of faith.  Faith and hope that what God said is True.  Faith that we will live in eternity with Him if we accept His perfect sacrifice to cover our unrighteousness.  It reminds me that just as Lucy has complete faith in me that what I say is true, I am to have complete faith in God and what He speaks in my life (whether I like it or not).

This conversation also made me so thankful that Lucy got to meet her little sister.  It was a bit of a debate for awhile whether we should let Lucy see her or not.  Many people (doctors and some family) thought we should keep Lucy from meeting or seeing Aimee but all along I had a very strong feeling that I wanted Lucy to meet her sister, whether stillborn or not, I wanted her to understand that the big belly I had for so many months was, in fact, her little sister. I didn't ever want to be asked, "why didn't I get to see Aimee?"  And this was one of those conversations that makes me thankful I stuck by my resolve to let her see her.  She remembers her.  She still, 7 months later, asks to see pictures of her on occasion.  And while looking at her pictures will tell me about her cute little fingers and lips and dirty dirty hair.   Just a few weeks ago she brought home a pine cone that she had found and told her Aunt Kathryn she wanted to paint for Baby Aimee.   It blesses my heart and makes me smile to know that she remembers and thinks about her.

I just had to add one of these.  Lucy's goodnight routine with Aimee.  Hugs and kisses, she insisted on my bare belly.  Little did we know that this was going to be the last night for this routine.  Aimee was born at 10AM the next morning!


  1. Nicki....sigh. These words fill me with sadness of your and our loss of Aimee and the truth that trusting our father is a such a walk of trust in our need. Just like Lucy in the parking lot - if she didn't listen and hold hands she'd be lost. You have wisdom my friend.

  2. She is a very fortunate little girl and I'm sure will always remember her sister on some level. Always do what your heart tells you. Yours is strong and wise and true! I love ya!