Wednesday, October 19, 2011

2 Months

Today marks what should have been Aimee's 2 month birthday.  Our family should be just getting down the routine of a newborn.  We should be exhausted from not enough sleep.  Lucy should be rocking and cuddling with her baby sister instead of her doll.  And we should be taking her to the doctor to see how much she has grown since the day she was born.  Instead we are sleeping through the night and going through our day just like we always do.  Does it hurt to think about what might have been?  Yes, badly.  Is it good for me to think about what might have been?  Yes, because it helps me remember Aimee.  Not that I will ever forget her but sometimes it can start to feel like it was all a dream.  Like I never had another baby that I got to hold in my arms.  Like I haven't just gone through 9 months of pregnancy (although, I can look at my body and tell that this isn't so).  I thank God for the healing that has already begun to take place but it does my soul good to sit and think about her sometimes as I let the tears flow freely.

I think Lucy feels the same as she goes through her 2 year old emotions.  She will sometimes say to me, "remember Baby Aimee's lips?  They were so cute."  Or "remember her hair?  It was all dirty.  She had tiny little fingers."  I love how she brings her up and I am so glad she will have a memory of seeing her little sister.

Now, to turn the table so as not to emotionally exhaust myself again and so early in the morning, I think of the good things.  Little Aimee never had to feel pain or heartache, or loss.  She never had to get in trouble or have a fight with her sister.  She is having a blast in heaven living in love like we will never know here on earth.  She is probably teaching her cousins how to play soccer because she was such a good kicker!

1 comment:

  1. I so appreciate your heart & your words Nicki. And yes it SO good for you to think about it all, to let tears flow amidst your day as you still mother, wife, live & be you. And what sweet words, as my eyes fill up, Lucy has giving them as gifts to you. My prayers are with in this day as you grieve & live in this here, but not yet state of the Kingdom life.